I avoid using strong language. I also try to avoid words that cause offense or harm to specific groups in a professional or public forum. That being said, I generally find jokes that poke fun at racial, religious and other stereotypes funny when they are joking and in the right company or context.

As you may know, my beautiful, wonderful, four-year-old daughter Nora has a horrible neuro disorder called Rett Syndrome. Dealing with Rett Syndrome is a major part of the lives of my family, extended family and friends. When we first found out we were simultaneously crushed by the news and uplifted by the amazing support of our family and friends, that continues to be touching.

My wife and I went to a few meetings that were intended to be a sort of group therapy. We were positive and hopeful but found many of the group members to be bitter, depressed and angry at the world. In one session a parent went off about the use of the word “retard” by a large cross-section of people. While I understood the point, my wife and I did not like the anger and bitterness at the world that was a common attitude in the group and quit going.

Words like “fag” and “nigger” garner a ton of attention because they have an enormous and vocal advocacy group. Professionals that would never use those words on their blogs, twitter or in a public setting are often quick to use the word “retard,” which is admittedly surprising to me. The sad thing is, most people that do suffer from some form of mental retardation can’t defend themselves and thus the word “retard” rarely has the backlash that it’s racial and sexual-orientation counterparts do.

Despite all that, the word rarely bothers me. The internet at large uses it ALL the time. My friends use it frequently. Sometimes my wife and I even slip and use it (we try not to after seeing how offensive it is to some). The word seems to be pretty thoroughly decoupled from its association with disabled individuals. To put it another way, the two offensive words mentioned above still refer to specific groups whereas “retard” rarely actually refers to disabled people. Similarly, the words “stupid” and “dumb” at one time referred to the mentally or physically disabled but now seem to be generally accepted in informal speech. The only time “retard” does bother me is when it is used to refer to disabled people, which is highly offensive.

What bothers me more than the R word is the stigma around disabilities – but who’s fault is that? It is hard not to look (read: stare) at someone that obviously has a disability. And there’s nothing wrong with curiosity. I think the stigma is often negatively perpetuated by the caretakers of disabled people when they are rude to people who are curious. In our short-lived support group experience one of the parents ranted about people staring at her child at the park playground and talked about how “she showed them.” Of course people are going to stare! They’re curious and probably afraid to ask if you act like a total jerk because they’re interested! I’ve had some really positive experiences with strangers that asked about Nora with genuine concern and a desire to learn about her disability. I also think it’s awesome when people treat disabled people like anyone else.

The thing that is absolutely unacceptable is mockery of people with disabilities. I watched a marketing professional, probably in his 30s, make a drunken spectacle of himself at a conference – impersonating someone with special needs in a public setting. It goes on record as one of the most insulting and pathetic things I’ve ever seen. So while I may not flinch at the R word, I might get violent at outright mockery or disrespect that’s actively directed at a disabled person.

Ultimately, if you’re unfamiliar with the world of disabled people and their caretakers try to treat them like anybody else. Be considerate with your language because it does offend some. If you are a disabled person, caretaker or otherwise related…focus on the positives: people are fascinated, interested and occasionally legitimately concerned about disabilities. While some of them may be rude, punishing everyone for it only hurts us all.

 

Note: In case you missed the point, this post is NOT giving you license to say the R word any more than having an African American friend gives you the right to say the N word.